It’s really quite
something when we find ourselves in the middle of a God-sized story. I think sometimes my procrastination in
writing stems from my fear of not being able to do the story justice. So many layers to our experiences and our emotions
and our circumstances and how they are artfully woven into His plans. At any rate, that combined with a burst of
crazy in the old schedule and a to-do list long enough to cause adult onset of
attention deficit disorder is enough for me to struggle with finding time to
properly put this story into words.
Please forgive my delay.
I left off at the
moment I had received an email containing “Daphne’s” file. I experienced a teensy bit of guilt before
clicking to open the PDF.
The thought
crossed my mind that perhaps I should wait until Jon got home from his day of
meetings in Miami. Maybe we should look at it together.
I’d bet this is
the point where most adoptive moms would be shaking their heads and saying,
“OPEN IT, ALREADY.” So I clicked. And scanned like a mad woman through detail
after detail about this tiny baby girl.
Born early
February. Just a little thing.
…Jilin Province. Never heard of it.
Right heart
enlargement. Treatment. Medication.
More acronyms and
abbreviations than the Army uses.
PHOTOS. Sweet.
She’s adorable!!
And then there it
was.
As I scanned back
over the pages, it caught my eye.
And I knew she
was ours.
“…and on February
5, 2013, she was abandoned…”
What might seem
like a coincidence to others was nothing less than a neon sign for me. This baby had been abandoned on the very day
of the year that God chose for our sweet Caroline’s beginning in our family. I know that there are many who have different
views of the day they met their adopted children, but so far I know only of my
one experience. For me, for our family
and for the families of ten other beloved baby girls, it was such a special
beautiful day…one of endings and beginnings and redemption and crying and
laughing and sweating and grieving and bonding.
In a way it was like we all linked arms, and it was understood that we
were in it together from that moment on.
We were one big family, and we were forever changed. Because of everything it means to all of us,
good and otherwise, it is a day celebrated.
The paradox of
what that day means to us and the realization of what that day meant for this
new little one was not lost on me. Yet
I knew it was what tied her to us. And
then the reality of her illness and the “what ifs” started creeping into my
mind.
The phone rang,
and it was my oldest daughter, checking in before heading home from college for
the weekend.
“Hey, Mom. Whatcha doing?”
“Well.”
“Well, what? Are you okay?”
“Um. I’m looking at a photo of the sweetest little
baby girl.”
“Yeah. And?”
By the tone of
her voice, she wasn’t impressed. She
knows of my soft spot. She knew that on
occasion a photo on social media would capture my attention and make me wonder
if it was “the one”.
“I’m actually
looking over a file our agency sent us.”
“YOU’RE
WHAT??!! You got a referral??!!”
“Well, I’m not
sure. I mean…”
So I sent a quick screen shot. And I told her a bit more about this
baby. She listened intently and then
asked me what my hold up was, told me I was crazy for thinking twice and
couldn’t wait to hear what her dad said.
Who, by the way, didn’t bat much
of an eye before saying yes. I
imagine I looked like the proverbial cat that had swallowed the canary when he
walked in the door from the airport.
Not to mention I was absolutely certain his analytical mind would trigger
a lengthy discussion, numerous questions and a hefty amount of research before
a commitment. He was, after all, the one
most reticent about another adoption.
Instead I got a hug and a “let’s
do it.”
And here’s where
I admit that I started to lose my mind just a little. What on earth was wrong with me? I’d
been praying, asking, pleading, pouting, grouching, begging, waiting for this
moment for years.
Years.
A vision of what I imagined God had in store for us, the unlikely vision of a tiny baby girl with a broken heart, had been embedded deeply in my heart and soul for years. .
Years.
I was well aware
of waiting lists and the reality of the years it can take to receive such a
specific request for referral.
Years.
Right in front of
me was exactly what God had prepared my heart for, and I was scared silly. Scared that her heart defect was a little
more than our family could handle. Scared
that I would say yes for my own selfish reasons. Scared that this baby’s file would evaporate
into thin air and another family would snatch it up.
I must have
looked at her photo a million times over the next few days. I started allowing myself to believe she was
real. I fell in love with her eyes and
her tiny delicate features. I realized
her heart, broken as it was, was precisely what grafted her into my own. And I started to embrace my doubts and fears because I
knew that was exactly where God would meet me and make this a story worth
telling.
From there it was
a matter of going through the motions.
Through a dear friend, we were able to share her file with a pediatric
cardiologist who answered our questions.
A pediatric cardiologist from Riley, our local yet nationally renowned
children’s hospital, who emailed us privately almost immediately.
I began writing
our Letter of Intent and gathering documents to submit.
In the midst of
my writing and gathering, I opened my “Jesus Calling” devotional. I was a few days behind, so I went back and
read from the day we got the call. I was
more than a little blown away by what I read.
Here are some excerpts.
December 5…the
day I didn’t know we’d received “the call”.
”Surely the Lord is in this place, and I
was not aware of it.”
December 6…the
day we received her file.
”Stay ever close to Me, and you will not
deviate from the path I have prepared for you.”
December 7…the
day I wandered around in a stupor, trying to ignore my fear of wondering if we
were doing the right thing.
”I am with you in all that you do. “
December 8…the
day I’d read a little too much on the internet about her heart defect.
“Your needs and my riches are a perfect
fit. I designed you to need Me not only
for your daily bread but also for fulfillment of deep yearnings.”
December 9…the
day we received our initial response from the pediatric cardiologist.
“Be willing to go out on a limb with
Me. If that is where I am leading you,
it is the safest place to be.”
As if that
weren't enough affirmation, God added a little extra flourish.
I was curled up
on my bed, sharing these devotional “coincidences” with my daughter. She was flipping through my Jesus Calling
book as we were chatting. All of a
sudden she stopped.
“MOM. Get this.”
She’d looked up
the devotions written for “Daphne’s” birthday and Caroline’s birthday. The first line of each?
“I am with you
and for you.”
Another
coincidence? A quick flip through all
365 days revealed that those were the only two entries that began with those
exact words. Not a coincidence in my book.
I wrote our
social worker to tell her we were all in.
Because in that
moment I knew without a doubt where my heart was. It was following the One who called me. And it was waiting in China.
